The Mary Sue Trials
by What She Doesn't Know
Summary: The abominations known as "Mary Sues" are put on trial for crimes against literature.  Prosecuted by none other than Annabeth Chase, with Rachel Elizabeth Dare as the honorable judge, these horrible creatures, thank the gods, don't stand a chance.


The courtroom is packed with angry fans and writers, some screaming in defense of their creations, others lamenting that these abominations were ever written. Sitting beside her lawyer is an unearthly beautiful girl of around sixteen, with radiant sapphire eyes and flowing golden hair, tinged with sunset orange. Her skin is flawlessly smooth and unblemished, her lips full and kissable, every gorgeous feature in its proper place. Her delicate hands rest atop the table, her slender arms bare, and her sexy yet formal sleeveless blouse subtly brings attention to her D-cups. Her incredible eyes are filled with tears, as the reality of this horrible situation has affected her fragile state of mind.

"Don't worry about it," her lawyer whispers to her. "The jury will love you. Everyone does."

What he doesn't say, for fear of frightening the perfect maiden, is that everyone only loves her in _her _universe- or, rather, the one her ignorant author has so lovingly created for her. This is the horrible universe known as _the real world_ is foreign to her, and he isn't sure how much more she can cope with. The jury is filled with furious young authors. The girl's own creator is sitting towards the back, a fistful of tissues in hand, wailing over how everyone is so terribly mean to her and that she isn't a Mary Sue at all and they're just jealous that they can't write as well as her.

The judge pounds the gavel twice. "Order, order!" she shouts, and it is apparent that the judge is none other than Rachel Elizabeth Dare herself, the Oracle of Delphi, and the prosecution's undefeated advocate is Annabeth Chase, daughter of Athena. The lawyer frowns; the odds do not appear to be in his client's favor.

"Your Honor," he calls, rising to his feet, "I thought that these trials were meant to take place in the, uh, the _real world_, not in the Percy Jackson universe."

Rachel Elizabeth Dare shakes her head, frowning disapprovingly at him. She's trying to appear serious, but her bright red hair is springing up around her head and her robes are splattered with paint. "But you see, Mr. Lawyer, then we would have to obey the rules of the court system. And as this author knows absolutely nothing about that, we must proceed in a slightly different fashion. Which means that whatever she makes up in that twisted imagination of hers is law." She smiles and declares, "The prosecution calls the defendant to the stand!"

Mr. Lawyer's mouth drops open in shock. "But, Your Honor, that's-"

"Quite possible in this universe," Annabeth interrupts. "This _is _fanfiction, after all, and as your, ah, _client _has proven, idiots are capable of anything."

The young girl takes the stand, obviously struggling to control herself. Her fans sigh and protest her unfair treatment, while her "flamers" shout a chorus of "Sue! Sue! Sue!"

Annabeth starts dramatically towards the witness stand, the way the lawyers always do on _Law and Order_. "Please state your name," she requests in a clipped and professional voice. "Unless you prefer to be known simply as Miss Sue?"

"My name is Isabella Melanie Rose Joanne Silversong, but most people call me Sapphire, because of my eyes," Sapphire replies. Her voice is soft, sweet and melodious, and it's easy to imagine her breaking into song, as her last name hints. She looks so beautifully tragic that a few onlookers begin to weep in sympathy. A few other writers roll their eyes and choke back dry heaves.

"Miss Sapphire," Annabeth says, "Can you tell me who your godly parent is?"

Sapphire's eyes begin to fill with tears again, though of course this doesn't affect her perfectly applied mascara, which brings the deep blue irises even more into focus. "I-I don't know," she whispers.

"Speak up," Annabeth snaps.

"No one has claimed me yet," she admits. In her world, this would be met by cries of sadness and horror; what god or goddess would not spring to claim such a wonderful girl? But this is not Sapphire's world, and it is not author's hand writing the plotless chapters. The court is silent, save for a few gags coming from the back. The jury watches, expressionless.

"But?" Annabeth prompts.

"But I have these powers," Sapphire admits. "I don't like to talk about them, because I don't like the unnecessary attention, but even when people don't know what I can do, they seem to be drawn to me. It's embarrassing, really, because I'm so wonderfully humble and modest, but I guess-"

"Thank you, Sapphire," Annabeth interrupts.

"Objection!" Mr. Lawyer shouts, standing up and pointing his finger accusingly at Annabeth, the way they do on the really bad crime shows. "She did not allow Miss Sapphire to fully answer the question! Therefore, the jury has no means to-"

"Sit down, Mr. Lawyer," Judge Dare orders. "I'm afraid dear _Sapphire _must become accustomed to things not going her way." She nods at Annabeth. "Carry on."

Annabeth narrows her eyes slightly at Sapphire. "And, Miss Silversong, what exactly are these _powers_ you mentioned?"

"I can see the future," Sapphire admits. "In my dreams. And… and I can teleport at any time of day or night, I'm pretty good with almost all weapons- except for spears, because spears are icky Ares weapons, but I bet I could use them if I tried. I just have this… this positive influence on everyone I'm around. I always know what to say and how to react, and even when I'm sick or suffering I always look impossibly beautiful. I can make friends with anyone and I'm an amazing fighter. Plus, I can sing. Want to hear?" She stands up and opens her mouth, arms floating out to the sides in a graceful manner, as if they're angel's wings.

There are several panicked cries of "**No!**" are screamed, including one from Judge Dare herself.

Annabeth plows on. "How do you come into the story?"

"Well, you see, it just kind of jumps right in when I'm at Camp Half-Blood. I ran away from home to protect them from the monsters, even though my adoptive parents and siblings were so horrible to me. I wanted to look after them anyways. And I met a really mean girl named Drew at Camp Half-Blood, but a lot of people stood up for me because they saw what a fragile and delicate person I am even though I can totally fight my own battles-"

"Yes, thank you, Miss Sapphire," Annabeth interrupts again, seeming to go a little green. "What happens in your story?"

That miffs Sapphire for a moment, and she settles back to think. "Um, I fall in love with Nico di Angelo."

A familiar voice shouts, "That was just a horribly OOC representation of me!"

Chaos and pandemonium ensues until Judge Dare shrieks, "Order! Order!" She shakes her head sadly and calls out, "Mr. di Angelo, I understand that you are upset over the horrors that have been done to your character, but please _shut up_ so we can get this over with."

"And he falls in love with me," Sapphire continues, bright and happy now that she's talking about her deluded romance. "Love at first sight, actually. He thinks that I'm beautiful and perfect and he can't get me out of his mind."

"You do realize that Nico di Angelo is _thirteen_, correct?" Annabeth asks.

"Well, yes, but he isn't in my story. He's seventeen."

"And has apparently gone through a drastic personality change."

A tear slips down Sapphire's cheek as she cries, "No! He's still the same Nico di Angelo! He's still the amazing, dark, moody, intense son of Hades who I'm desperately in love with, and no matter what you say, you're not going to tear us apart!"

Mr. Lawyer stands up and yells, "Your Honor, is there a _point _to this?"

Judge Dare, looking vaguely nauseated, advises Annabeth to move on before everyone is stricken with a case of projectile vomiting.

"Yes, Miss Sapphire, but what _else _happens?"

Sapphire shakes her head and smiles sadly. "That's all. We just fall in love. And I save the world, too."

"Save the world from _what_?"

"The forces of evil. But that's not the point." She sounds small and vulnerable, which would get her sympathy in her world, but in this one, it causes a few self-respecting authors to go running for the exit, hands pressed over their mouths to keep from spewing bile all over the other onlookers. "The whole point of the story is that Nico and I fall in love. Helpless, desperate, wonderful, romantic, indescribable, perfect love."

"Nothing else? No hint of plot other than this? Nothing?" Annabeth demands.

Confused, Sapphire frowns. "Does… does there _need _to be more than that?"

Her creator shouts, "No! There doesn't!"

"_**ORDER!**_"

Annabeth just sighs. "Mr. Lawyer may question her now. I've already made my case."

Mr. Lawyer springs to his feet. "Miss Silversong-"

"Please, call me Sapphire."

"Sapphire, would you say that you are, in fact, flawed, in at least one way?"

"Of course," she cries. "I'm so small and fragile and delicate and endearing, and I'm horribly clumsy, just like Bella Swan, and everyone wants to take care of me even though I can take care of myself- I've said that before, haven't I?- and my whole family, my adoptive family at least, hates me for no good reason, and I haven't even been claimed, and it's not my fault I have all these impossible superpowers!" She takes a deep, shuddering breath. "And my beauty! It's a curse, you know, having everyone attracted to you. Do you know how horrible it is to have so many people tell you that you look gorgeous _all the time_? It's everywhere I go! So annoying, so irritating, but I'm too good-natured to be affected by them, of course. It's _not my fault_."

"Of course not," Mr. Lawyer sympathizes. "You're but a victim in all of this, aren't you?"

"Yes," Sapphire sobs. "But _these things are sent to try us-_"

Judge Dare slams the gavel so hard it snaps in half. "Don't you _dare _quote Wicked!" she shouts, her face matching her hair as her anger rises. Regaining her composure, she pulls Crazy Glue out of her robe and begins to piece the gavel back together. "Carry on, Mr. Lawyer, and please try to keep your client from ruining an amazing Broadway experience."

Mr. Lawyer nods in assent. "Sapphire, dear, you do love Nico, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

More gagging and retching. Without a gavel, Judge Dare is helpless to stop the disarray as the minutes tick by.

"And it is because of this love that you are, of course, deemed 'perfect'?"

"But I'm _not _perfect, Mr. Lawyer."

"Of course not, of course not, but please answer the question."

She sniffs. "I supposed love is my one redeeming quality, as is my ability to fix his broken and shattered angsty emo spirit. That's why he's so happy and cheerful around me. It's not OOC. It's the effects of true, unblemished love."

Mr. Lawyer smiles. "Thank you, Sapphire. I rest my case."

Judge Dare nods and, without glancing up, asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict?"

"_What_?" Mr. Lawyer shouts. "There's supposed to be a recess! Time given for deliberation! For Olympus's sake, you didn't let us do opening or closing arguments, or swear Sapphire in, or allow the jury time for deliberation-"

"May I remind you of the definition of _AU_? It means- depending on who you ask- either _Alternate Universe _or _Author's Universe_. And this is the author's universe, Mr. Lawyer. So she can do whatever she wants. But it's still up to the jury to decide- and I believe that they have already done so." Judge Dare smiles at the jury. "Your verdict, Jury of Indignant Authors?"

"On the accounts of perfection, being wholly unrealistic, a plotless storyline, changing a main character into unforgiving OOCness, and being the abomination known as a _Mary Sue_, we find the defendant to be guilty, and therefore sentenced to banishment from fanfiction." The jury bows in unison. "Have a nice day."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Didn't know another way to end it, sorry. Written purely for fun and to make fun of Mary Sue writers. Though you'd never guess it from this, I do support Mary Sues, because every writer has to start somewhere. What I do not support is posting it on the Internet for the whole world to read and then saying that the "OC" is a legit and well-rounded character.**

**So I give to you… the Mary Sue Trials.**

**Think Salem Witch Trials, but **_**better**_**. And a hell of a lot more fair, huh?**

**Every chapter will have a different Sue (or a Sue creator) as the defendant… and maybe I'll throw in a few actually **_**well thought out **_**OCs to the mix, because I can't tell you how many times I've been reading a story about a **_**good **_**OC and have people yell "Sue! Sue! Sue!"**

**Review, please. I hope I didn't kill you with my horrible humor.**

**I do not own PJATO or Law and Order.**


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